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Swimming in Darkness

You can check all the “symptom” websites you like but depression is such an individual experience which just crept up on me. Symptoms are not always what you expect. Heres what happened to me when I began swimming in darkness.

1. When, at 2 a.m. you see more shadows in your room than you thought could ever exist, you discover new unexplored dark corners of your mind containing thoughts you really don’t want and 10 minutes seems to last an hour.

2. If you know me, you know how big a part music plays in my life. Some days, I simply couldn’t listen to music for fear of how it would claw at my emotions and how it would make me feel.

3. Blaming myself for everything that went wrong, at home, at work, everywhere. Constantly seeking approval/praise which did come, but then generating reasons in my mind why people were “just saying that.”

4. Anxiety, bloody anxiety 24/7

5. Having to stop on the way to work to just cry. The beach was the usual place.

6. I never felt suicidal, but sometimes wished I could have an accident/illness, be injured, so I could just get away from it all.

7. Literally not having the energy or motivation to be able to get out of bed, just feeling so sad and guilty about everything.

8. On dark days, from 10 p.m. I’d drink a bottle of wine, eat 150g bag of posh crisps, cheese/biscuits. Several times a week just because it seemed the right thing to do. Then I’d hate myself for doing it the next day. Then I’d do it all over again & again. Now I drink mint tea.

9. Feeling completely useless at everything.

I’m on the mend now with the help of a great doctor, friends, family & Mrs OOK.
If this stuff or similar is happening to you, talk, get help, don’t fall into the same trap as I did.


Who me?

My mind spends much of its time wrestling with wave functions and in a battle with reality. The reality is frequently inaccurate. Sometimes I feel the need to blog it...

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