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Masterchef: The Universe

*cue intro music*

John; “welcome to this new series and the first challenge will be to make The Universe”

Gregg; “cosmic inflation doesn’t get tougher than this”

John; “You have 10^-31 seconds to get your ingredients and then 13.9 billion years to complete the dish” You may begin”


The Universe

Preparation and Cooking Time
13.9 billion years

Fermions (up, down, charm, strange, top, bottom)
Leptons (electron neutrino, tau neutrino, muon neutrino, electron, muon, tau)
Bosons (photon, Z Boson, W Boson, Photon, Gluon)
Higgs Boson (organic from the field is best)
Graviton (only available in specialist stores)
Forces (strong Nuclear force, weak nuclear force, gravity,
electromagnetic force)
Dark Matter
Dark Energy

1. To make the Planck Era Soup: In a Non-stick pan, saute the fermions, electrons and photons at 10^38 degrees Celsius for 10^-46 Seconds, then sprinkle in 1 tsp each of the Forces, you should see the protons and neutrons forming in the Grand Unification Roux, which will become smooth, at this point the mixture may expand rapidly, so will need to be transferred to a larger saucepan. You will also see their antipasti colliding and annihilating each other during this process.

2. Cool to 10^13 degrees Celsius and simmer for 10^-6 seconds add a Higgs Boson and the mixture will gain mass. Unlike the classic Hollandaise, you need to ensure this splits into electromagnetism and the weak nuclear force.

3. After about 3 minutes, when the temperature has fallen to 10^9 degrees Celsius you should now see hydrogen, helium and deuterium like little quenelles, forming by fusion, this is known as the Recombination Jeu, you may need to put a lid on the saucepan to prevent it spitting.

4. Leave this for 377,000 years until the mixture stablises at about 3,000 degrees Celsius and roughly 75% hydrogen and 25% helium, after a long dark period of curing it should begin to emit a strange glow.

5. After around 30 million years, you should notice the mixture becoming lumpy, do not worry, this is meant to happen, bright points of light should be seen in the lumpy bits.

6. After 0.5bn – 1bn years the lumpy bits start to clump together to form clusters, until they are al dente. These clusters may pop and explode, don’t worry this is OK as it will cause gasses like oxygen and nitrogen to form along with metals. If the mixture looks burnt this will be carbon forming. Leave it, as it will be essential later to form life.

7. Allow the broth to simmer for another 9 billion years and you should see some small grains begin to form a homely looking soup. Carefully decant this part of the mixture into a smaller bowl. At this point use your blowtorch on the mixture. This will form a crust rather like a creme brûlé. Over this crust is a Primordial Soup of organic material containing a nouvelle ingredient called DNA.

8. Marinate for about another 1 billion years then things will start to appear to move around in that familiar looking area of the soup, before emerging from the liquid to settle on the gratinéed surface.

9. A gas will start to bubble from the liquid and accumulate as a foam over the Earthy region. Keep the lid on during this stage, then lift the lid and gently breathe in this gas. Smells good yes?

10. After about 13.5 billion years: An aperitif called early humans evolve in an area of the crust called Africa. Then hors d’oeuvre called modern humans appear in this same area and quickly colonise the rest of the crust and eventually become sophisticated enough to start telling their children about points 1-9 above. Some however despite the evidence, continue to believe this amazing dish was made just 4000 years ago by a man who lives in the sky, who they claim talks to them and they worship once a week. Which is fine by me, as long as they don’t knock on my door on a Saturday morning trying to convince me to join them, try and indoctrinate children with these ideas without offering an alternative or kill anyone who challenges their beliefs.


Gregg; “Stop cooking! Step away from your cookers!”

John; “As a surprise we have invited, the renowned Universe critic Prof Stephen Hawing to taste your dish”

*gasps from contestants as Prof Hawking enters studio*

Gregg; “Right lets tuck in!” ” Mmmmmm, it has a lovely buttery biscuit boson, that’s the sort of thing I would dip my head in.”

John; “goes down a treat: it’s light, it’s fresh. And that’s just so perfect and expands to quell your hunger…. I have nothing to add to it, a perfect harmony of interacting particles.”

Prof Hawking; ” It. is. excellent. although. I. think. it. may. still. need. some. seasoning. and. unification.”

Gregg; “Prof Hawking what do you this the future holds for this dish?”

Prof Hawking; “The past, like the future, is indefinite and exists only as a spectrum of possibilities. We are in danger of destroying ourselves by our greed and stupidity. We cannot remain looking inwards at ourselves on a small and increasingly polluted and overcrowded planet.” We should look up at the stars and not down at our feet. Try to make sense of what we see, and wonder about what makes this universe exist. Be curious.”

John; “Well, it makes a welcome change from celeriac mash and scallops with black pudding!” “A worthy winner, in the next series we will be attempting some Multiverses with String Noodles, a Sliced Multiverse Loaf and maybe a Bubbleverse Meringue, so until the next epoch, thanks for watching.”

*cue outro music and sustainable fish weblink http://www.fishonline.org/*

Who me?

My mind spends much of its time wrestling with wave functions and in a battle with reality. The reality is frequently inaccurate. Sometimes I feel the need to blog it...

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