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Diary 16/11/15-7/12/15

This is the most personal thing I’ve ever shared with you, but I think it’s necessary to help others talk about their depression. Its just mundane day to day stuff really. Reading it back serves as a reminder that although still there, and I still have low days, I’m so much better now. Names have been abbreviated. I recorded this on the advice of my doctor. It’s also worth saying I’d felt like this since about January of the same year, and on & off since 2012. It has spelling errors and the grammar is rubbish.

16th Nov Trued to go to wirk, got there Difficult getting up, couldn’t listen to music, felt threatened in corridor & car, lost temper with student, couldn’t focus. Frightened. Went to docs, told her everything

17th Nov
Took 1st anti-depressant meds didn’t sleep well, song going through my head, new one appearing. Feel so useless.

18th Nov
. Didn’t sleep well, preoccupied, wrote some lyrics, still no energy, can’t really be bothered to do anything walked into town.

19th Nov
Woke very early again worrying about work. Sat on sofa all day. TXT work about worry, planned some cake making, write some lyrics

20th Nov
Woke early, restless sleep, went for a short bike ride very tiring, felt useless and very isolated all day

Bad night, lots of hopeless thoughts, felt low all day, went for a walk at Southwold, shopping very tired fed up feeling like this

22nd Nov
Perked up today, still little energy, walked to town, did a bit of simple DIY Just don’t enjoy it anymore or look forward to doing anything.

23rd Nov
made a cake, suddenly felt wanted, animated OK, Very tired in the evening

24th Nov
Felt low all day, made another cake

25th Nov
OK day, bit perkier, walked to town, but had a bad night and very early morning

26th Nov
A at work all day, did more baking, felt lonely, low self esteem day, text work with more worries. Did some recording to try and convince myself I can still do something right

27th Nov
Went to Docs, the cake photo incident, (Mrs OOK knows) signed off for another week. A working all day, watched telly, walked to town. Felt so low. 

28th Nov
Went to Southwold, which was nice, cooked a curry. Don’t understand this illness, all those things used to make me happy but not now

29th Nov
Did nothing all day, didn’t sleep, didn’t feel good. Strange warm glow meds side effect

30th Nov
Stuff not working too well. Went to see Mum at the cemy. Doing nothing again. Wrote Christmas lyric.

1st Dec
Slept better. Lots of telly, not quite so many negative thoughts. Very Worried about going back to work.

2nd Dec
More telly, wrote music for Xmas song. Bloody nervous about meeting with boss tomorrow. Had a nice lunch with E. Can’t sleep, then weird dreams

3rd Dec
Didn’t sleep, took A to hospital, then sat on Seafront getting my head in gear for meeting at work. Everyone lovely, The boss was the boss, not ************************************************************************************************(to remain professional the meeting stays private) Sorted a reintegration plan. Feel even more useless now. I watched telly for the rest if the day. I want to be happy but something inside just won’t let me. Have a sharp pain left side of my head. Still there in bed.

4th Dec Talked in sleep, head pain still there, feel deflated. So tired in the mornings

5th Dec Talked in sleep again, worn out driving to Cambridge. Pain nearly gone now.

6th Dec
Talked in sleep, had night panic, when will I begin to enjoy things/life again?

7th Dec Back to work part time

I stopped recording from that point.

I have my own reasons for waiting until Sept 2016 to post this.

Who me?

My mind spends much of its time wrestling with wave functions and in a battle with reality. The reality is frequently inaccurate. Sometimes I feel the need to blog it...

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